This blog is going to be a little different than the others I’ve been posting. I am going to tell you a little bit about my book and how it is laid out to give you an idea what it is you could be looking forward to.
The beginning of my book, the first 3 chapters, tells briefly about the abuse I received until I was 17 years old. Excerpt from my book:
“It was about three A.M., and all the sudden a hand latched onto my arm and jerked me off the bed. I scrambled to get my footing and see what was going on. It was my father, and he was very angry about something. He had a board in his hand and started swinging.”
The next 7 chapters tell about the effect the abuse had on me as an adult, and how I dealt with life because of it. I tell about the bad relationships I got into, and how I thought about them. The following is from a letter I wrote my therapist but never gave him:
“Why have I divided myself into sections?
There’s the part I like: Witty, charming, intelligent, humorous, compassionate, feeling, understanding, ambitious, and a good mother.
There’s the part I don’t like: Quiet, fearful, forgetful, irritable, self-centered, angry, inactive, and a bad mother. Too into myself to see anyone else’s needs.
There’s the part I’m afraid of: Crazy, irrational, unreasonable, wants to be alone. Hiding, wanting to run away. Wanting to die.
I’m sure there’s more. I never seem to know which one’s going to be there when I get up, or if it will be the same when I go to bed. I’m sure something triggers them off but what? What little-unnoticed thing causes the change in me, and why?”
The last 5 chapters are about my discovery of something that made me see the world differently, and ultimately changed my view of myself and changed my life.
“The most important things I have learned over the years is to love myself, and that one can’t love until they forgive. To forgive is not for the other person, it is for you. It means to give up all your anger, your fear, your frustrations, your hatred, your resentment, and your desire for revenge. When you do this, you are free to Love, to find peace and harmony in your life.”
My purpose for writing the book was because I wanted those who were going through the same kinds of things that I was, to know that they are not alone, that having all those bizarre thoughts and feelings and things were common amongst abused people. When I was going through it, I thought I was the only one in the world with all these crazy thoughts. I was so consumed with hating myself and the world around me that I couldn’t even begin to see that life could be better. My whole purpose in life was to protect myself from this big bad world. When sadly all the time this is going on I desperately was out there seeking love, I wanted someone to care about me, someone to be kind to me, you know, someone to love me the way someone should be loved. What I didn’t know at that time, what I didn’t understand, was that I had to change before any of this stuff would take place. My previous blogs are about how I made those changes.
It took about 4 years to change that ingrained pattern of behavior. The bizarre thinking was the first to go, and it happened almost overnight. As soon as I understood that I could change my life, those thoughts of despair changed to thoughts of hope that I could have happiness and love in my life. What took so long was changing a pattern of behavior that was built in from childhood. Thoughts that I was unattractive, stupid and worthless caused to me act out from those beliefs. There was also a lot of fear to overcome. I was afraid of everything. It is not easy to change the way you have been acting for years, but it can be done. I was between forty-five and fifty when I made these changes, so don’t think you are too old to change.
I won’t go into how I made all these changes as some are in my previous blogs. More to come.
Happiness and love are out there for you. Don’t give up. I almost did and I am so glad now that I didn’t. I am happy, and I know now what love is.