My father called me an idiot and stupid so much when I was young that I grew up believing it. I almost failed out of school. Why wouldn’t I believe him, don’t we all believe our parents. I mean after all, why would they lie to us? Well, I won’t get into that, but the point is I was lied to. Those lies stuck with me through the beginning of my adult life.
When I graduated from high school, my Dad tried to force me into college. After all school business was his thing. He pulled strings and got me accepted into a small college. Of course, I had to take a couple of remedial classes. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be embarrassed and humiliated because I couldn’t get the answers, because I failed a test. I was stupid, and I believed it. I found a way to get asked to leave, and I was sent home. Details of this are in my book. 😊
The beginning of my work life I was a car hop. Most of you probably don’t even remember what that is. 😊 It certainly didn’t take any smarts. Then I took a typing class and learned some office skills and got a better job in an office. Next, I got a job in a Poodle Parlor bathing dogs. They taught me how to groom poodles and other breeds. That was great fun.
Along the way, I would learn the things I needed to know but didn’t equate it to intelligence. I saw it as survival. Because of some very unusual circumstances, I got hired at a bank. I had not even applied for the job because I was sure I didn’t have the intelligence to work at a bank. This story is also in the book. The big surprise is that I found working with numbers came very easy to this dummy. 😉 I advanced very quickly through the banking system, all the way into the internal auditing department. This was not all at one bank as I moved a lot, but once I got started in the bank, it was easy to get into another bank.
While I worked in banking, I still lived with the constant fear that they would suddenly discover I wasn’t as smart as they thought, and they would fire me. Even though I was advancing, I still felt that I wasn’t smart enough. I was terrified of making mistakes. I crosschecked everything I did numerous times to make sure it was right. I didn’t trust myself. This is a very stressful way to live.
I kind of divided myself into two different people. There was the work me that appeared to have it all together, but under the surface, the fear of being found out was always there. And, then there was the personal me that had nothing together. I was a mess. This went on for many years. For this blog, I’m just going to deal with the intelligence issue at work and not the personal life issue.
When I got into the recovery stage of my life, I discovered that we are all born with intelligence. Now I know some might want to argue that issue, but that takes a much deeper understanding so let’s stick with baby steps for now. I believe our creator gave us Instincts and intuition to help us along the way. And then there is the “still small voice” that provides us with ideas when we need them. Thing is we must first know that those things are there and learn how to listen to them. That is not always easy, it requires trust. I really struggled with that. Trusting something I can’t measure with the five physical senses, eyes, ears, smell, taste and touch, is hard. So, I needed to test the waters.
How many times have you heard a voice in your head telling you to do or not do something and you didn’t trust it and did it the way you were thinking to start out with, and later wished you had listened. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to kick myself for not listening. So, I started testing it. When I heard that little voice, I’d take a deep breath and fearfully follow what it was telling me. At first, I was sure something awful would happen. Wrong, it always turned out right.
Now I had to be careful because sometimes another voice would jump in and try to tell me it was wrong. How was I to know? That’s what instincts and intuition are for. That gut feeling will get us through every time. You need to choose your highest sense of right.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times that “still small voice” got me through things at work. When I needed a word, it popped into my head. When I needed to know how to do something the ideas just flowed. I had not been educated to know these things but the answers where there. All I had to do was listen.
Once I learned these things when I was asked at work to do something I never said I didn’t know how even if I’d never done it before. I had learned to trust the answers would come. Sometimes it came in the form of letting me know where I could learn how to do it. Sometimes I was lead to take a class in something. Sometime when the answer didn’t come right away, I learned to say, “let me check it out and get back to you.” No one seemed to be bothered by that. It didn’t show a lack of intelligence but wisdom. I wanted to be sure I gave them a complete and accurate answer. Answering too quick sometimes makes you want to eat your words later.
Well, I hope something of what I’ve said has helped you. I am not stupid, and neither are you. All we need to do is listen to the “still small voice” in our head and trust our instincts and intuition, they are there to guide us in the right direction. God is not in the wind, the earthquake or the fire, but in the “Still Small Voice.”