When I found the light, I decided I wanted to do something with this new-found joy. These things aren’t near as pleasurable when you keep them to yourself. It’s like the smile I blogged about, it needs to be shared. For someone who spent most of her life hiding from the human race, this was going to be a real challenge.
I started by learning all I could about how I found the light. If I was going to share it, I had to nail down the points. I had to know what I was talking about.
I started writing articles about how I got where I’m at, but I never shared them. I never dreamed about writing a book. It seemed like I was always writing for myself. I told myself that no one would be interested in what I had to say. This is one of the effects of child abuse that I still struggle with at times. But recently I have been holding my breath a lot while I clicked on the “send” buttons. That is the “feel the fear and do it anyway” coming up.
I thought about writing a book about 30 years ago but didn’t get far because my Job and raising my daughter was taking so much of my time. About five months ago I had related something of my life to someone who said, you should write a book. I thought back to what I started and decided to take it out and see if I could put everything I had in order and turn it into a book.
It’s still hard for me to believe that I wrote a book and told all, and I mean everything. All the things I was afraid to tell my therapist and wrote down and locked away, I put them all in the book. I couldn’t tell him, and now I’m telling the world. And even harder to believe I’m trying to get it published.
I guess my desire to let others who felt like I did know that it’s ok, you’re not the only one, overpowered my fear of being noticed. I had no idea that so many were suffering as I did until I reached the point where I started reading self-help books and books others wrote about their experiences. I can’t tell you how many I read, lots. I was looking for the magic words that would save me.
It’s interesting though that the magic words that saved me came from the Bible, a book I had avoided for many years. I opened it one day at random, and I read in II Timothy 1:7 “God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” I was living in constant fear and felt I had no power and no love and was losing my mind. But, that one sentence gave me hope. That was the beginning of my recovery.
When I started writing this blog, I intended to do something that was full of humor. I don’t seem to have gotten there yet. 😊 Everything I write seems so serious, and that’s not all I am. I have a lighter side. My best friend and I laugh all the time. There is so much in life to laugh about.
When I go to curves, we are cutting up and laughing a lot. There is a recorded speaker that announces when it’s time to move to the next station, and sometimes I talk a lot, can you believe that, 😉 and don’t hear it. My friend that is usually a station or two ahead of me keeps increasing the distance, the next thing I know she is three or four ahead of me. I’m always kidding about how when my mouth is in motion my ears don’t work. That gets a laugh. I am totally enjoying the new me. There is nothing better than good down to earth humor. I am not always serious.
I have been a truly happy person for about 30 years now. I’d like to see all of you that are not there yet reach that goal.
Please, if you have questions about my journey or just a remark about what’s going on, or want to share something, leave a comment. I’ll respond. 😊