Because of the abuse, I received as a child I had a lot of fears as an adult. As is typical with abused children they grow up with a poor self-image and are afraid of anyone that even slightly reminds them of their abuser. Now some children grow up and take a different route, maybe even get violent. But for this blog let’s stick with fear. My father was my abuser, and was superintendent of schools, in a position of authority, so I feared anyone who fell into that category.
It seems like I was just inviting everyone to walk on me. I could never stand up for myself and was afraid if I did they would retaliate somehow, and I’d get hurt. So, I never opened my mouth, I was afraid of anger. Go ahead, beat me up, I’m used to it.
I did poorly in school because I was afraid of my teachers and would never ask a question. This type of behavior continued into my adult life. On my jobs, because I feared my employers, as they were in a position of authority, I lived in constant fear that I would get fired.
All the time I was growing up, I couldn’t figure out why no one liked me. Well, I didn’t like me, so how could I expect others to like me. I was sad and miserable, and it showed. Who wants to be around that. As I was getting older, I had periods of time when I felt happy and would occasionally make a friend, but it never seemed to last. I never knew what to talk about. If they would start, I could play off them, but that doesn’t make for a good relationship. Good relationships are a give and take. All I seemed to be able to do was react to things, I didn’t know how to initiate anything.
Does this sound like you? Well, you can get over these things. I was seeing the people in my life incorrectly. Not only that, I saw myself incorrectly. We are all born pure, and that purity stays with us throughout our life no matter what happens to us. Under all the anger, hate, frustration and feelings of insecurity, we are 100% pure. The events of our lives try to rob us of this purity, but it can’t, it’s who we are. The day that I finally understood what that meant was the changing point in my life.
I was finally able to see past what the people around me were projecting to the world, to their true purity. It didn’t mean that I suddenly liked unpleasant people, but I could see past it. I couldn’t judge them because there was a time when I was one of those people. There was a time when I was certainly not letting people see my purity, and I still struggle with it sometimes. We are all here trying the best we can to let people see our purity. Underneath our flawed exteriors, we are all the same, 100% pure as newborn babes.
When I discovered this, I was finally able to forgive my father and others that had hurt me. I began to stand up for myself without fear of retaliation. My life started to improve.
I am pure, and so are you. I am a good person, and so are you. Don’t let the events of your life try to rob you of your purity. That purity is our Spirituality, what God created. If you do not see goodness around you, you are not seeing God’s creation.